Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
