first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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