ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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