Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she peed on how many people?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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