we're chasing vodka with high fives
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
