I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
