saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
