pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
