i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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