I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
