I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
