not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
