I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
