Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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