I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Im part way to drunk.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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