This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
