my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
