The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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