that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He passed out mid-signature
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
