We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
