did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
