The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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