Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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