I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think your dad took our porno
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
