I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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