So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
