you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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