Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
