One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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