You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
