When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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