textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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