Only a mothe r could love this liver
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
