so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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