I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
