he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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