Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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