I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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