This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
