It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
