i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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