Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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