I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
