you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
