I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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