My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
