she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
