I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
