I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
