i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
